I’m the American Church, and I suffer from a fear of commitment. Don’t get me wrong, there are some days where a part of me wants to follow in the footsteps of the Rabbi with everything I’ve got. But most days, I react like a ragged and confused Peter, standing over a fire, weighing my options.
It’s easier to just get caught up in programming, and projects and productions. It’s not easy to catch the eye of Jesus as the cock crows for the final time. I certainly don’t deny the Christ as Peter did, but I do one worse; profess with my mouth and bear no fruit.
It all stems from my deep fear of commitment. I have a hard time loosening my grip on my things. My money, my time, my doctrine, my dogma. It’s all too comfortable to give up, even when I feel like that’s the only option left.
But please don’t give up on me, because there are moments of glory. Moments when I gaze into the heavens, moments when I share my bread and moments when I trust whole-heartedly. I’m trying to sort this out, asking questions I haven’t been allowed to ask for generations.
Don’t give up on me yet. I have fears and shortcomings and dark parts in my heart, but I cling to a great Hope. I believe a great promise. I worship a great king.
WOW! I am sitting in amazement…at my little brother, but also at the honesty! I am 100% sure that any of us that call ourselves 'Christians' are feeling the same way. I am also 100% sure that those of us that call ourselves Christains and actually try to be like Christ (much fewer in numbers!) are also feeling the same way…it's hard to admit at times. There are also those times, like you said, that it's all we have left! I BELIEVE!
It's always about those times when it's all we has left. If we can reach our end, we can begin to experience something greater. Thanks for the nice comment!